Sometimes I wish so and so would just leave me alone.
I wished he was like Ju's so and so, with a heart of steel and immense resolve to not contact or meet her for as long as he could. Sometimes I just wished my so and so had done that.
And I believed that if he really loved me enough, he would have known that that was best for me and he wouldn't have given in to his own weaknesses and get me embroiled into his life again. He would have endured pains and suffered himself but still keep to his resolve not to ever see me again. But alas, he never really loved anybody but himself...
So it's always about him. When his side doesn't work out he runs to mine. Simple and convenient. And selfish. And weak.
But I had an epiphany today while walking home. Listened to Damien Rice's AMIE and I realised that if anybody asked me if I would still be willing to be there for him... I would say yes.
My mom asked 2 days ago, did I still want to be his doormat. His spare tyre. I completely denied it.
But looking back I think I should have said yes. I am still willing to be there. Don't ask me why. There is no why. That's why love is love.
Everyone says that affairs of the heart are complicated. They aren't. You either want to be with the person or you do not. And love simply turns people into irrational weak dimwits.
But I believe it's all part of being human. If everyone's so rational, we might as well be a race of walking computers.
But alas, once again... life doesn't deal us the choicest cards. And we have to play it out with what we have. What I have.... the life ahead ... doesn't include my so and so. Because he shut me out at one point and there's no turning back. Even if we wanted to.
And then I realised that I never had a choice. It was all or nothing??
Mr T said he was grateful to his so and so for she taught him that he could actually love again. I wish that would happen to me. What if I can't? That would be awfully awfully sad...
Reading the letter that G, the younger person, sent, I got touched all over again. There was a part where he mentioned that he wanted to be with Grace when she gets her first wrinkle.
I wish there were someone who would be there when I get my first wrinkle and that I could be there when that someone gets his first wrinkle.
And beautiful couples aren't the Bragelina kind... Because looks are ephemeral. Old couples holding hands and looking at each other lovingly are the true beautiful couples. They never fail to bring a poignant smile to everyone's faces.
I guess to stay together that long... they must be soulmates. And everyone looks at them lovingly because they're the lucky ones who find their true partners in life.
While I still believe in the soulmate concept, that there is one person out there who suits you perfectly, the theory needs to be refined.
So here goes: While there is a perfect person out there, not everybody finds their soulmates in their lifetime. Because I know people who did not. Lotsa them. Disheartening yes but it's the sorry truth. Next lifetime maybe?
I wish.... that I could go back to where I came from. And be safe, protected and ignorant from the ugliness of a relationship turned sour.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Monday, July 18, 2005
The Bees are back again now that BLUB's gone...
Let's do a count of hits and misses in the past week, since so and so said a very curt goodbye. They love to do this in the papers....
7 new messages from different people on friendster.
3 new active bees in my life.
2 from NUS.
1 NTU grad who drives a mini.
2 marriage proposals.
2 dates for coming weekend.
One from Korean bee and one from NUS bee.
One joke- I feel like squishing all of them except Korean bee.
And I don't feel like going out with anybody at all. Just the ego boost is enough for me. Don't wanna have to sit through tedious getting-to-know-you sessions... ARGHHHH
7 new messages from different people on friendster.
3 new active bees in my life.
2 from NUS.
1 NTU grad who drives a mini.
2 marriage proposals.
2 dates for coming weekend.
One from Korean bee and one from NUS bee.
One joke- I feel like squishing all of them except Korean bee.
And I don't feel like going out with anybody at all. Just the ego boost is enough for me. Don't wanna have to sit through tedious getting-to-know-you sessions... ARGHHHH
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Pink Quote of the Day
JU dear! Thanks for this amazing quote! I Love it!!!!
There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.
You can get strong - by belitting someone
Or you can choose to do positive things
Booker t. washington
Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards.
I shall remember it always...
There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.
You can get strong - by belitting someone
Or you can choose to do positive things
Booker t. washington
Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards.
I shall remember it always...
Friday, July 15, 2005
PINK-ED
Hoho!!! I didn't think I would recover THIS fast but it has been an amazing past 2 days!
Wednesday: My idea of getting over a depression was to sleep it off. And sleep I did.... till 2pm in the afternoon. Brilliant way to waste time actually. Then I set about doing my fave household chore----- LAUNDRY!!! YAY!
Dance was alright. I loved Ballet class even though it was so darn stressful, cos you feel so powerful after all that muscle workout. Ran off the steam taht night. Significantly happier this time... Of course the fact that I'm going salsa clubbing the next day helped improve my mood...
Thursday: Brilliant days always start off brilliantly. I blogged. A lot. Dished up all the dirt AND the sweet stuff and teared a but over so and so. The fun part began with choosing the right gear for clubbing later... FUN!!!
Then it was rehearsals again but this time I didn't dance much. R from my salsa 3 class was supposed to go salsa clubbing with me but cos my rehearsals ends at 11 I told him to go down first. But he didn't wanna. Waited around to check out Lindy and to watch the rehearsals. I felt so awkward dancing. Thank goodness I didn't dance much! MR said he's really just very friendly and passionate about salsa, therefore he wants to go. MG and MC thinks he's interested. Interested enough to wait 2 hours. I didn't think so though. Don't get any weird vibes from him... then again he kinda jumped at the oppotunity to go? Oh well.. time will tell...
But I do think he's charming and an amazing conversationalist.
So anyway we went and danced a bit. He kinda taught me Bachata which was a pretty closed hold kind of dance. Twas so weird! Too intimate for my liking! Salsa does it for me anyday!
Anyway the music kind of veered towards really slow and geriatric pieces at 12 and so I made my way toTh*mper to join Ju and Mich... ANd it ws BRILLIANT!!!!
I dunno why but I felt really comfortable. Mayhaps it was the slight ego boost earlier, but I was dancing my heart out and we all had such a great time with the band and all! And as usual we attracted a very weird crowd of Europeans... Irish, New Zealanders, and some others.... If people didn't know any better they would have thought we were SPGs. BAD BAD!!!
But these people are the ones who're fun to dance with! They know their music and they groove to the beat (not all of them of course!) Most locals males CAN'T groove for nuts! They either look sissy or awkward or offbeat. Unless they're dance-trained. Most females there, on the other hand, are beautiful and groovy! Nice!
I also realised that with different company we attract different crowds. With Ju it's your tall Caucasians and the PMEB sort. With MG, it's the mat hiphop young punks. It's quite interesting really... Wonder who will JM attract...
Did I mention the last time we went we dirty danced with models? Geez... that was quite an eye-opener. They're such fun party people! But there's a thin line between dancing and indecent behaviour. Somehow we never cross the line. So all's cool and GREAT FUN!
We all had good laughs when these 2 trannies who smelt like baby powder and all decked out in Coco Channel clothing came and did their thang before us! It was SO HILARIOUS! Cos their movements were so COMPLETELY gu niang! Actually they were really cute guys... too bad they're trannies and they're short! haha.....
What I liked about the session was that everyone was just out for dancing and harmless fun. It's really cool! And when it all ended we shook hands with the Irish and wished them bon voyage. It's so funny! I mentioned Damien Rice (he's Irish) and the guy was like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME? i'm DAMIEN! LOL
Out of club, there's this silly guy who called out "Claire" and I actually though I knew him from somewhere.... So I asked if he's from modern Jazz. Obviously not. He asked me if I was the Claire who gave him a number and guess what?
He had a Clare's number but it wasn't mine! LOL... his friends were all guffawing at him at that point and he looked so darn puzzled.
So I told him... 1) I don't give out my number. 2) that's not my number.... But you know what's really weird?
He's the dude who got dead drunk last week at the bar and came over to ask if I was Anita!
BOY! What a punk! He's picked up so many girls he can't keep track! Here's a word to all players! It's ok to play the field but make sure you've a good memory. DO NOT mix names up. That's like the numero uno taboo thing to do in making a good impression.
ANYWAYS... Twas a happy night out. I'm watching this uber cool Jap anime Hellsing now. Happy happy happy...
And there's salsa later.... whole 3 hours of it with Mr R to look forward to.
Toodle-oo!
Wednesday: My idea of getting over a depression was to sleep it off. And sleep I did.... till 2pm in the afternoon. Brilliant way to waste time actually. Then I set about doing my fave household chore----- LAUNDRY!!! YAY!
Dance was alright. I loved Ballet class even though it was so darn stressful, cos you feel so powerful after all that muscle workout. Ran off the steam taht night. Significantly happier this time... Of course the fact that I'm going salsa clubbing the next day helped improve my mood...
Thursday: Brilliant days always start off brilliantly. I blogged. A lot. Dished up all the dirt AND the sweet stuff and teared a but over so and so. The fun part began with choosing the right gear for clubbing later... FUN!!!
Then it was rehearsals again but this time I didn't dance much. R from my salsa 3 class was supposed to go salsa clubbing with me but cos my rehearsals ends at 11 I told him to go down first. But he didn't wanna. Waited around to check out Lindy and to watch the rehearsals. I felt so awkward dancing. Thank goodness I didn't dance much! MR said he's really just very friendly and passionate about salsa, therefore he wants to go. MG and MC thinks he's interested. Interested enough to wait 2 hours. I didn't think so though. Don't get any weird vibes from him... then again he kinda jumped at the oppotunity to go? Oh well.. time will tell...
But I do think he's charming and an amazing conversationalist.
So anyway we went and danced a bit. He kinda taught me Bachata which was a pretty closed hold kind of dance. Twas so weird! Too intimate for my liking! Salsa does it for me anyday!
Anyway the music kind of veered towards really slow and geriatric pieces at 12 and so I made my way toTh*mper to join Ju and Mich... ANd it ws BRILLIANT!!!!
I dunno why but I felt really comfortable. Mayhaps it was the slight ego boost earlier, but I was dancing my heart out and we all had such a great time with the band and all! And as usual we attracted a very weird crowd of Europeans... Irish, New Zealanders, and some others.... If people didn't know any better they would have thought we were SPGs. BAD BAD!!!
But these people are the ones who're fun to dance with! They know their music and they groove to the beat (not all of them of course!) Most locals males CAN'T groove for nuts! They either look sissy or awkward or offbeat. Unless they're dance-trained. Most females there, on the other hand, are beautiful and groovy! Nice!
I also realised that with different company we attract different crowds. With Ju it's your tall Caucasians and the PMEB sort. With MG, it's the mat hiphop young punks. It's quite interesting really... Wonder who will JM attract...
Did I mention the last time we went we dirty danced with models? Geez... that was quite an eye-opener. They're such fun party people! But there's a thin line between dancing and indecent behaviour. Somehow we never cross the line. So all's cool and GREAT FUN!
We all had good laughs when these 2 trannies who smelt like baby powder and all decked out in Coco Channel clothing came and did their thang before us! It was SO HILARIOUS! Cos their movements were so COMPLETELY gu niang! Actually they were really cute guys... too bad they're trannies and they're short! haha.....
What I liked about the session was that everyone was just out for dancing and harmless fun. It's really cool! And when it all ended we shook hands with the Irish and wished them bon voyage. It's so funny! I mentioned Damien Rice (he's Irish) and the guy was like HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME? i'm DAMIEN! LOL
Out of club, there's this silly guy who called out "Claire" and I actually though I knew him from somewhere.... So I asked if he's from modern Jazz. Obviously not. He asked me if I was the Claire who gave him a number and guess what?
He had a Clare's number but it wasn't mine! LOL... his friends were all guffawing at him at that point and he looked so darn puzzled.
So I told him... 1) I don't give out my number. 2) that's not my number.... But you know what's really weird?
He's the dude who got dead drunk last week at the bar and came over to ask if I was Anita!
BOY! What a punk! He's picked up so many girls he can't keep track! Here's a word to all players! It's ok to play the field but make sure you've a good memory. DO NOT mix names up. That's like the numero uno taboo thing to do in making a good impression.
ANYWAYS... Twas a happy night out. I'm watching this uber cool Jap anime Hellsing now. Happy happy happy...
And there's salsa later.... whole 3 hours of it with Mr R to look forward to.
Toodle-oo!
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Messages
I have another weird quirk that nobody knows of. I record smses that mean something to me.......... and here's what made me peeved beyond measure...
All from so and so:
-Read your mug! I cannot promised I will not change. I have changed, but you have to accept it or move on!
-it's hard. I dun wanna give you false hopes. My heart is already with someone else just as you might have thought
-Benbao dun probe further. you know even before I met her I already very sian of our rs. meeting her juz remind me of e kind of gal i want.
-Ya you are doing so well. I'm just so screwed up. I can't even relate to you anymore. I strike a chord with her. She is more sensitive, attentive and not so ego.
-Er, ok i trying to search my soul and answer this accurately. Yeah i think e physical attraction plus e fact that I know she's the adventurous kind contributed. sorry.
*this was after he told me he f***ing slept with that silly cow!!!!!*
-Cute sexy and demure. it's a killer package. Although overall chanracter wise you are more fun and interesting to be with.
* If every guy sleeps with every cute sexy and demure girl who comes his way, the human population would have expanded beyond the Solar System by now... probably somewhere out in the Milky Way. Just goes to show how easy he was... and what a complete asshole!!!*
- sleeping together. I crave physical intimacy.
*BASTARD!!!!*
-the fair thing to say is ask you to move on. cos I won't be able to leave her in the near future. e selfish way is to say i still yearn to see you.
*BASTARD X2!!!*
*Okay, this is a really bad post. But now I can see how much of a bastard he was.... WOOHOO!!! Over the pig I am now!*
All from so and so:
-Read your mug! I cannot promised I will not change. I have changed, but you have to accept it or move on!
-it's hard. I dun wanna give you false hopes. My heart is already with someone else just as you might have thought
-Benbao dun probe further. you know even before I met her I already very sian of our rs. meeting her juz remind me of e kind of gal i want.
-Ya you are doing so well. I'm just so screwed up. I can't even relate to you anymore. I strike a chord with her. She is more sensitive, attentive and not so ego.
-Er, ok i trying to search my soul and answer this accurately. Yeah i think e physical attraction plus e fact that I know she's the adventurous kind contributed. sorry.
*this was after he told me he f***ing slept with that silly cow!!!!!*
-Cute sexy and demure. it's a killer package. Although overall chanracter wise you are more fun and interesting to be with.
* If every guy sleeps with every cute sexy and demure girl who comes his way, the human population would have expanded beyond the Solar System by now... probably somewhere out in the Milky Way. Just goes to show how easy he was... and what a complete asshole!!!*
- sleeping together. I crave physical intimacy.
*BASTARD!!!!*
-the fair thing to say is ask you to move on. cos I won't be able to leave her in the near future. e selfish way is to say i still yearn to see you.
*BASTARD X2!!!*
*Okay, this is a really bad post. But now I can see how much of a bastard he was.... WOOHOO!!! Over the pig I am now!*
Of Hopes and Fears of a Younger Person...
I recently started an email correspondence with a dance pal of mine in Hiphop class. He's this young boy who's fresh out of army and going to NUS. Also part of my MacRitchie jogging clique along with Sha.
Think he's a sensitive thinking kid like my brother. He has this weird quirk of carrying a notebook around and jotting down random ideas and reflections.
I told him I didn't wanna run on Wed morning cos I was depressed and he typed this mail to me. And it brightened my depression considerably.
We should never underestimate the power of a personal meaningful letter. Electronic or hand-written. It tells so much about a person, I think. And I truely appreciate such friendships. It's genuine and unpretentious. And ergo touches my life where it should.
Here goes...
actually i had another 'motive' for meeting sha today. haha u know that guy who was 'so over her' that day at jitters..i was thnking what about edmund then...i thought they broke up or something.
well, today we were suppose to meet at 7am but i got there only at 710 and sha ...was a lil tired so she took awhile to prep.(she slept at 1am prev night) we didn't run, but had breakfast at 'ya-kun' instead.
so she was sharing with me about 'jon' (that guy..) how he just got back from stuidies from australia and now a bartender at expo..blar blar - haha i m quite surprise she spoke about this even before i asked who he was...well, everything is cool and edmund is still the man..
i shared with her about the camp and about this girl i like lar.....i think i told her everything. haha i think sub-consciously i always esteem her as an elder sister kind of figure in my life (tho i DONT really agree with everything she does..haha, but thats not the point)
after i told sha the story, we agreed on the point that 'grace' doesn't really know me...how can she like me then if she do'nt really know me? n i was being such a **** for being to shy to even talk to her. (what the...)
anyway, i m feeling not good. maybe its my ego, pride? i feel neglected. haha...she was so nice to me in camp and blarblar...
i got to know when i was j2. she was j1 then. hmmm didn't really contact her past few years..n now i say i like her? huh?? thats bull...
but then again, b it fantasy or whatever...she got a lovely character (shes the sweet kind..not pretty..heh.) and i would want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.*
*notice i did't say her specifically....
ironically theres this gal in church who is being overly nice to me and i dont like it. yar...i m quite freaked out. she knows i like someone already and stuff...i hate this kind of feeling. coz when i make a commitment to my church thats where i'd wanna be serving the rest of mylife....but its like why make things so awakaward...haiya.
__
this aside. mum is getting all worked up outside in the living rooom NOW...i m in the room using the com. she's sharing with grandma how things in office are so messy and stuff...how her workers give her unneccessary touble...blar. i m actually very afriad. i do'nt know how to tell her that "if tmr is the last day of our life...all these anger and blame and negativeness will have no meaning at all.." the thing that come to my mind is that when we put a frog into a tub of cold water n leave it to boil...the frog will sit in and be boiled ...
i think thats the case with my parents now. i've made MANY attemps to wanna share with them how i really feel..but they always say i do'nt understand n have no right to comment...and also interupt me just when i m sharing with them my innermost thoughts...and also just give a verbal acknowledgement and thats it.
__
please don't ask me what i m typing this to you. hmmm...can i share with u something? i have this feeling that u still love darryl...despite the not-nice things he's done...haha i have no justification for this. just a feeling...and no its not becoz you mentioning you are 'depressed' in your sms (now that u perf in front of his parents..blar)
i must take good care of the thoughts my mind entertain. becoz reason follows the footstep of feelings...
i want to do something about all this reactive bulls**t.
goodnite. and god bless...=)
gary.
Hey dude,
you've no idea how glad I was to see your email. Dunno. But nobody sends personal stuff through email these days. It's always online chatter about how's your day blah or smses. It's boring the hell outta me and UNWANTED smses are putting a serious pressure on my mental state of health.
Glad Sha and Edmund's still fine cos Edmund is seriously a great guy.. Prolly one of the rare few who can be on par with Sha's effervescent and sometimes volatile behaviour. And yes...She is a good confidante. I'm always happy around her too. Which is why Sundays are such a joy.
I guess you are right that if the world ends tmr, all the negativity will mean nothing. I am trying to think positive and banish my negative thoughts on daryl but sometimes it's better to let it out. Watch a sad movie and cry it all out. And leave the past for good after that. It's human to be unhappy. No ups without downs right?
Sometimes when my life gets too peaceful. and when I'm so numb to work and dance and with just living life, i'll go watch a movie to get really happy or really sad. Just to jolt my mind back to reality and feel human again. My mom thinks i'm crazy. but what the heck!
About your problem with Grace. Well it happens. You gotta make the first move cos you're the guy. Being shy won't get you anywhere. Be more proactive and get to know her and provide opportunities for her to know you. Eg... group outings after orientation and all. It really helps. Cos that's how I got to know my ex better. He was the one after me during orientation then. And he had all these group outings to everywhere just to get everyone together.
And have I mentioned that the ideal relationship arises from friendships and common interests/circles? Cos you have to start off as friends first in a group activity and then feelings develop as you know the person more. That's a deeper level than love at first sight (based on looks alone). Which is also why I spurn all my so called 'bees'. Cos they're only in love with a picture. A fantasy. not me.
back to your girl.... After all the group outings yada yada you can find out what activities she joins and make your presence felt in them. tell me when you get the girl ya?
I don't think you should give up just cos 'she doesn't know you'. nobody truely knows anybody at first. You have to give them time. But do get over your shyness. Think this way. There's nothing to be shy about. It's perfectly natural to talk... right? And you don't have to sound too interested or nonchalent. Just be yourself.
As for your parents, it's obvious they still see you as a child. Do talk to them more often? When you're best friends with your parents they'll open up to you naturally.
Meanwhile, I have to battle with feeling down. Geez.... you know actually i'm over him. But seeing him again AND his gf just caused a relapse. A very strong one. I didn't think I liked him that much and there are some aspects of him that I couldn't stand but after seeing so many guys it's just not right. I dunno why. None of them can click with me on the same level as he did. nor can i be truely myself with any other. He's the dude who can take me on.... like edmund and sha. Cos most people want someone 'sweet'... like you do! LOL.... no personal attack here. But you're young and so idealistic. Sweetness is everything at your age.
Ok. better stop before I say anymore nasty stuff.
Goodluck with your pursuits dude!
Claire
Miss clair lim. haha i din't know your chinese name is chenjie!! it sounds somewhat...aunty-ish! hee..thanks thanks thanks. i m so surprised u replied and told me about yourside of things too. (altho i'd have to give that 'sweet' part a pass..) The feeling of receiving a mail like that is just special...
i should be honest. minutes after i sent out my last mail, i kinnda regret mentioning that daryl part. i was afraid it might make u unhappy. =( but well, reading your reply and how you tell me about the things he did and his ability to 'click' and etc make me feel more confident to talk about it and all that is relevant.
I think if i don't understand sth/someone, its very easy for me to pass an unfair opinion on it. i always thought claire is a happy person with NOT much problems in her life..enjoying her internship and undergrad life and her occasional clubbings and movies. you see, i m not a happening person..where possible i'd try to spend my money more meaningful..haha, so i seldom catch movies or clubbings and ktv...and yadayada...but after learning that movie is one of your way of 'living' again...i think i m beginning to see that diff activites mean diff things for diff people...=)
(haha but id still cut down my movies..)
hey, its like 1030am now and i AM SO SURE YOU ARE STILL ON YOUR BED SLEEPING!! Hee...wanna tell u something.
yesterday was wednesday. there's a fund-raising event organized by nus's varsitychristainfellowship's arts fac. The girl who organized it is called evangeline. we call her evan. shes year3 and was in my grp during foc.
on tuesday night i had a packet of nasi-lemak for dinner...and after that i felt all nauseous. so on wed i woke at 2pm. i didn't want to get out of bed coz i m really not feeling well. i skipped lunch. the fund-raising event (its called popiah@themovies) was at wed 6pm. i was struggling with the q "should i go?"
i don't know. i sent grace messages days ago askig her if she was going. she didn't reply. it was last fri. so i got kinnda depressed. anyway, what happened was i told myself, 'why not just go...i stay at home i prob be doing nothing meaningful at all!'
yup i went.
>>>fastforward.
we were playing some ice-breaker game and all when grace reached. haha then evan went "hey gary, grace is here.." she was quite loud. anyway, being that coward i've so far chosen to be...i just acknowledge 'ok' and thats it.
i hate it. i m always like that. i feel like bashing myself up. then during the entire evening and night i hardly even looked at her in the eye and all. yes, punch me and crucify me. please.
over dinner, she noticed that i wasnt eating. prev i told a frd i didn't want to eat coz might puke. a few frds asked me if u wanna eat..i went "no no no..." then she came. she asked, "do u want me to make for you?" ....oh man, suddenly i was resurrected. i didn't even go 'yes' but simply nodded my head eagerly.
so she made for me lar...i handed her a cup of orange squash in return. i finshed the popiah she made. and that was all i ate for dinner last night. =)
...then there was movie screening. i didn't join the two simultaneous screening. so i stay behind where the food was to chat with my seniors. it was abt 1am when one of them suggested we go out to get some prata. we went as a grp. there were 8 of us. haha but luckily that mpv was enough.
during the prata i dind't eat too. they sat and ate and chat till 2am. she was sitting at the oppo corner of the rectangualar table. i was struggling to stay awake coz by that time i m already running a fever and my wholebody is aching. it was terrible.
on our way back on the mpv, she sat behind me. then she patted me on the shoulder and asked me ...er, ok i kinnda forgot what she asked. maybe i was still trying to handle the excitment of a conversation with her that forgot the actual conversation itself.
i told evan i was feeling better already. she went "haha i know why...!"
>>>>> 345am.
all of us went into this room to watch a movie. it was quite crowded. grace entered after me. i found a place to sit at the rear. it was near the door. then grace sat down too. she sat behind the door. ...........a lil while after, she said she was tired. so she grabbed a few pillows and lie down. for a moment my heart stopped beating lar. i don' tknow why, so don't ask me. but she was all cuddled up beside me and i could feel her hair.(evan sat in front, she turned back and made a comment "is that grace?"...i just nodded) i got up a lil to lock the door, so no one would enter or leave. but unfortunately, that happened THREE times. sigh. i so wanted to turn those people into frogs for disturbing her goodsleep....anyway, during that time, i wasn't really watching the movie...it was hard to concentrate. she looks so peaceful when she's asleep. i closed my eyes and locked my fingers...i prayed. i didn't know why, but i think its a natural response...for me, praying is a way to remind myself that i don't deserve anything i have right now...but i know that they r giving to me for a purpose...so make the best out of it...to show love. to be an agent of positive change. to listen when someone so needed to talk. to treasure every relationaship..with frds, parents, sister....
it was 430. she woke n left the room. then came back a lil while later n asked if i wanted to leave. (u see, she says near me, upperthomson..) she said she drove and asked if i'd wait fer her. (of coz i would, even if my body tells me something else)
evan knew we were leaving so she came to send us off to the front door. we boarded her car and she drove me back.
in the car i was just smiling. haha coz i can't believe shes the one drving. hmm..maybe its ego. haha. anyway.
"quick talk to me, so that i won't fall asleep while driving!" she said. haha, oh no oh no.....quick gary..think of somEthing!!!!!
well, time moves on, whether or not u made good of it. at the blink of an eye i was home. then she drove back.
as the sound of her car get softer and softer..i stood stil at the lobby of my apartment. "gary, aren't you glad u went today?"
i slept at 5am last night. i got up at 10am. and am typing this mail to claire. i only slept 5hours. but i m not feeling tired, giddy, nauseous anymore. wow.
claire i get what u mean about the activites circle thing. i hope i don't screw this up.in fact, i really just wanna be a frd, first. i do'nt like the way things are currently..coz they are ephemeral at best. in my journal i wrote that i wanna be there with her when she get her 1st wrinkle...
haha i m crazy. fine! hope to see u on sunday....i so look forward to seeing u guys. =) thnx for telling me about what u think. i really appreciate it alot. btw don't worry about saying nasty stuff. its part of being authentic with each other.
yaY.
see you@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until Christ Be Formed In you
I truely liked the part where he said, if the world ends tmr, all the negativity will mean nothing. And everytime I feel angry or feel like crying, I'll think about that and think happy thoughts and the people I have around me. And nothing seems that bad anymore. I don't want to be the frog waiting to be boiled when I can leap out of the pan and have a great life ahead.
And therefore I will not dwell in misery. And ditto for you, dear readers. Get over your so and sos... and lead a great life. We are still together in this.
Think he's a sensitive thinking kid like my brother. He has this weird quirk of carrying a notebook around and jotting down random ideas and reflections.
I told him I didn't wanna run on Wed morning cos I was depressed and he typed this mail to me. And it brightened my depression considerably.
We should never underestimate the power of a personal meaningful letter. Electronic or hand-written. It tells so much about a person, I think. And I truely appreciate such friendships. It's genuine and unpretentious. And ergo touches my life where it should.
Here goes...
actually i had another 'motive' for meeting sha today. haha u know that guy who was 'so over her' that day at jitters..i was thnking what about edmund then...i thought they broke up or something.
well, today we were suppose to meet at 7am but i got there only at 710 and sha ...was a lil tired so she took awhile to prep.(she slept at 1am prev night) we didn't run, but had breakfast at 'ya-kun' instead.
so she was sharing with me about 'jon' (that guy..) how he just got back from stuidies from australia and now a bartender at expo..blar blar - haha i m quite surprise she spoke about this even before i asked who he was...well, everything is cool and edmund is still the man..
i shared with her about the camp and about this girl i like lar.....i think i told her everything. haha i think sub-consciously i always esteem her as an elder sister kind of figure in my life (tho i DONT really agree with everything she does..haha, but thats not the point)
after i told sha the story, we agreed on the point that 'grace' doesn't really know me...how can she like me then if she do'nt really know me? n i was being such a **** for being to shy to even talk to her. (what the...)
anyway, i m feeling not good. maybe its my ego, pride? i feel neglected. haha...she was so nice to me in camp and blarblar...
i got to know when i was j2. she was j1 then. hmmm didn't really contact her past few years..n now i say i like her? huh?? thats bull...
but then again, b it fantasy or whatever...she got a lovely character (shes the sweet kind..not pretty..heh.) and i would want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.*
*notice i did't say her specifically....
ironically theres this gal in church who is being overly nice to me and i dont like it. yar...i m quite freaked out. she knows i like someone already and stuff...i hate this kind of feeling. coz when i make a commitment to my church thats where i'd wanna be serving the rest of mylife....but its like why make things so awakaward...haiya.
__
this aside. mum is getting all worked up outside in the living rooom NOW...i m in the room using the com. she's sharing with grandma how things in office are so messy and stuff...how her workers give her unneccessary touble...blar. i m actually very afriad. i do'nt know how to tell her that "if tmr is the last day of our life...all these anger and blame and negativeness will have no meaning at all.." the thing that come to my mind is that when we put a frog into a tub of cold water n leave it to boil...the frog will sit in and be boiled ...
i think thats the case with my parents now. i've made MANY attemps to wanna share with them how i really feel..but they always say i do'nt understand n have no right to comment...and also interupt me just when i m sharing with them my innermost thoughts...and also just give a verbal acknowledgement and thats it.
__
please don't ask me what i m typing this to you. hmmm...can i share with u something? i have this feeling that u still love darryl...despite the not-nice things he's done...haha i have no justification for this. just a feeling...and no its not becoz you mentioning you are 'depressed' in your sms (now that u perf in front of his parents..blar)
i must take good care of the thoughts my mind entertain. becoz reason follows the footstep of feelings...
i want to do something about all this reactive bulls**t.
goodnite. and god bless...=)
gary.
Hey dude,
you've no idea how glad I was to see your email. Dunno. But nobody sends personal stuff through email these days. It's always online chatter about how's your day blah or smses. It's boring the hell outta me and UNWANTED smses are putting a serious pressure on my mental state of health.
Glad Sha and Edmund's still fine cos Edmund is seriously a great guy.. Prolly one of the rare few who can be on par with Sha's effervescent and sometimes volatile behaviour. And yes...She is a good confidante. I'm always happy around her too. Which is why Sundays are such a joy.
I guess you are right that if the world ends tmr, all the negativity will mean nothing. I am trying to think positive and banish my negative thoughts on daryl but sometimes it's better to let it out. Watch a sad movie and cry it all out. And leave the past for good after that. It's human to be unhappy. No ups without downs right?
Sometimes when my life gets too peaceful. and when I'm so numb to work and dance and with just living life, i'll go watch a movie to get really happy or really sad. Just to jolt my mind back to reality and feel human again. My mom thinks i'm crazy. but what the heck!
About your problem with Grace. Well it happens. You gotta make the first move cos you're the guy. Being shy won't get you anywhere. Be more proactive and get to know her and provide opportunities for her to know you. Eg... group outings after orientation and all. It really helps. Cos that's how I got to know my ex better. He was the one after me during orientation then. And he had all these group outings to everywhere just to get everyone together.
And have I mentioned that the ideal relationship arises from friendships and common interests/circles? Cos you have to start off as friends first in a group activity and then feelings develop as you know the person more. That's a deeper level than love at first sight (based on looks alone). Which is also why I spurn all my so called 'bees'. Cos they're only in love with a picture. A fantasy. not me.
back to your girl.... After all the group outings yada yada you can find out what activities she joins and make your presence felt in them. tell me when you get the girl ya?
I don't think you should give up just cos 'she doesn't know you'. nobody truely knows anybody at first. You have to give them time. But do get over your shyness. Think this way. There's nothing to be shy about. It's perfectly natural to talk... right? And you don't have to sound too interested or nonchalent. Just be yourself.
As for your parents, it's obvious they still see you as a child. Do talk to them more often? When you're best friends with your parents they'll open up to you naturally.
Meanwhile, I have to battle with feeling down. Geez.... you know actually i'm over him. But seeing him again AND his gf just caused a relapse. A very strong one. I didn't think I liked him that much and there are some aspects of him that I couldn't stand but after seeing so many guys it's just not right. I dunno why. None of them can click with me on the same level as he did. nor can i be truely myself with any other. He's the dude who can take me on.... like edmund and sha. Cos most people want someone 'sweet'... like you do! LOL.... no personal attack here. But you're young and so idealistic. Sweetness is everything at your age.
Ok. better stop before I say anymore nasty stuff.
Goodluck with your pursuits dude!
Claire
Miss clair lim. haha i din't know your chinese name is chenjie!! it sounds somewhat...aunty-ish! hee..thanks thanks thanks. i m so surprised u replied and told me about yourside of things too. (altho i'd have to give that 'sweet' part a pass..) The feeling of receiving a mail like that is just special...
i should be honest. minutes after i sent out my last mail, i kinnda regret mentioning that daryl part. i was afraid it might make u unhappy. =( but well, reading your reply and how you tell me about the things he did and his ability to 'click' and etc make me feel more confident to talk about it and all that is relevant.
I think if i don't understand sth/someone, its very easy for me to pass an unfair opinion on it. i always thought claire is a happy person with NOT much problems in her life..enjoying her internship and undergrad life and her occasional clubbings and movies. you see, i m not a happening person..where possible i'd try to spend my money more meaningful..haha, so i seldom catch movies or clubbings and ktv...and yadayada...but after learning that movie is one of your way of 'living' again...i think i m beginning to see that diff activites mean diff things for diff people...=)
(haha but id still cut down my movies..)
hey, its like 1030am now and i AM SO SURE YOU ARE STILL ON YOUR BED SLEEPING!! Hee...wanna tell u something.
yesterday was wednesday. there's a fund-raising event organized by nus's varsitychristainfellowship's arts fac. The girl who organized it is called evangeline. we call her evan. shes year3 and was in my grp during foc.
on tuesday night i had a packet of nasi-lemak for dinner...and after that i felt all nauseous. so on wed i woke at 2pm. i didn't want to get out of bed coz i m really not feeling well. i skipped lunch. the fund-raising event (its called popiah@themovies) was at wed 6pm. i was struggling with the q "should i go?"
i don't know. i sent grace messages days ago askig her if she was going. she didn't reply. it was last fri. so i got kinnda depressed. anyway, what happened was i told myself, 'why not just go...i stay at home i prob be doing nothing meaningful at all!'
yup i went.
>>>fastforward.
we were playing some ice-breaker game and all when grace reached. haha then evan went "hey gary, grace is here.." she was quite loud. anyway, being that coward i've so far chosen to be...i just acknowledge 'ok' and thats it.
i hate it. i m always like that. i feel like bashing myself up. then during the entire evening and night i hardly even looked at her in the eye and all. yes, punch me and crucify me. please.
over dinner, she noticed that i wasnt eating. prev i told a frd i didn't want to eat coz might puke. a few frds asked me if u wanna eat..i went "no no no..." then she came. she asked, "do u want me to make for you?" ....oh man, suddenly i was resurrected. i didn't even go 'yes' but simply nodded my head eagerly.
so she made for me lar...i handed her a cup of orange squash in return. i finshed the popiah she made. and that was all i ate for dinner last night. =)
...then there was movie screening. i didn't join the two simultaneous screening. so i stay behind where the food was to chat with my seniors. it was abt 1am when one of them suggested we go out to get some prata. we went as a grp. there were 8 of us. haha but luckily that mpv was enough.
during the prata i dind't eat too. they sat and ate and chat till 2am. she was sitting at the oppo corner of the rectangualar table. i was struggling to stay awake coz by that time i m already running a fever and my wholebody is aching. it was terrible.
on our way back on the mpv, she sat behind me. then she patted me on the shoulder and asked me ...er, ok i kinnda forgot what she asked. maybe i was still trying to handle the excitment of a conversation with her that forgot the actual conversation itself.
i told evan i was feeling better already. she went "haha i know why...!"
>>>>> 345am.
all of us went into this room to watch a movie. it was quite crowded. grace entered after me. i found a place to sit at the rear. it was near the door. then grace sat down too. she sat behind the door. ...........a lil while after, she said she was tired. so she grabbed a few pillows and lie down. for a moment my heart stopped beating lar. i don' tknow why, so don't ask me. but she was all cuddled up beside me and i could feel her hair.(evan sat in front, she turned back and made a comment "is that grace?"...i just nodded) i got up a lil to lock the door, so no one would enter or leave. but unfortunately, that happened THREE times. sigh. i so wanted to turn those people into frogs for disturbing her goodsleep....anyway, during that time, i wasn't really watching the movie...it was hard to concentrate. she looks so peaceful when she's asleep. i closed my eyes and locked my fingers...i prayed. i didn't know why, but i think its a natural response...for me, praying is a way to remind myself that i don't deserve anything i have right now...but i know that they r giving to me for a purpose...so make the best out of it...to show love. to be an agent of positive change. to listen when someone so needed to talk. to treasure every relationaship..with frds, parents, sister....
it was 430. she woke n left the room. then came back a lil while later n asked if i wanted to leave. (u see, she says near me, upperthomson..) she said she drove and asked if i'd wait fer her. (of coz i would, even if my body tells me something else)
evan knew we were leaving so she came to send us off to the front door. we boarded her car and she drove me back.
in the car i was just smiling. haha coz i can't believe shes the one drving. hmm..maybe its ego. haha. anyway.
"quick talk to me, so that i won't fall asleep while driving!" she said. haha, oh no oh no.....quick gary..think of somEthing!!!!!
well, time moves on, whether or not u made good of it. at the blink of an eye i was home. then she drove back.
as the sound of her car get softer and softer..i stood stil at the lobby of my apartment. "gary, aren't you glad u went today?"
i slept at 5am last night. i got up at 10am. and am typing this mail to claire. i only slept 5hours. but i m not feeling tired, giddy, nauseous anymore. wow.
claire i get what u mean about the activites circle thing. i hope i don't screw this up.in fact, i really just wanna be a frd, first. i do'nt like the way things are currently..coz they are ephemeral at best. in my journal i wrote that i wanna be there with her when she get her 1st wrinkle...
haha i m crazy. fine! hope to see u on sunday....i so look forward to seeing u guys. =) thnx for telling me about what u think. i really appreciate it alot. btw don't worry about saying nasty stuff. its part of being authentic with each other.
yaY.
see you@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until Christ Be Formed In you
I truely liked the part where he said, if the world ends tmr, all the negativity will mean nothing. And everytime I feel angry or feel like crying, I'll think about that and think happy thoughts and the people I have around me. And nothing seems that bad anymore. I don't want to be the frog waiting to be boiled when I can leap out of the pan and have a great life ahead.
And therefore I will not dwell in misery. And ditto for you, dear readers. Get over your so and sos... and lead a great life. We are still together in this.
A Poem (part deux of Eulogy)
So and So wrote it for me.... cos I asked for it.... LOL
Especially 4 my dearest baobao:
A Poem for Baobao from Baobao
I have a baobao,
He name is called Baobao.
She calls me Baobao,
And I call her Baobao too.
We been together almost a year,
Although we both have some fear.
We are afraid to lose each other,
Yet we always challenge each other.
They say there's a thin line between love and hate,
and it's really difficult to find a soulmate.
I'm so glad I found one,
A soulmate, playmate and bestmate rolled in one.
There were times when we felt irritated,
and "hated" each other,
Over petty quarrels and silly demands.
But I know they will not last,
For I love my baobao.
more than I ever loved anyone.
For I know she's the only one,
Who finds my BO sexy,
Who waltzes with me in comfort even without music,
Who hugs me with all her love and affection
And cares for me even though she can't exoress it very well.
I wanna love her all my life,
and protect her, console her, hug her, kiss her...
And give her the best I can
For ever and ever...
Love 4ever,
Your stupid Baobao
It looks so silly now but it used to be so sweet when I read it light years ago... Trust him to come up with something like that. He's really cheesy and big on cliches. But I guess that's what I liked about him. He's so unapologetic and unpretentious, albeit with cliches and all.
So and so was endearing to a fault and behaved like a kid with me. I guess we both lapsed into childlike behaviour around each other and that's the beauty of our relationship. There were no mind games unlike modern relationships and we were totally relaxed like we were with our parents. For I knew he accepted me wholly for who I was and vice versa.
I particularly loved the lack of mind games and that he shared my exact taste in music, books, movies and the arts. And my passion in dance.
He's like the male Claire, only with more ego and arrogance and more stubborn. And he's a total lovefool like me.
Especially 4 my dearest baobao:
A Poem for Baobao from Baobao
I have a baobao,
He name is called Baobao.
She calls me Baobao,
And I call her Baobao too.
We been together almost a year,
Although we both have some fear.
We are afraid to lose each other,
Yet we always challenge each other.
They say there's a thin line between love and hate,
and it's really difficult to find a soulmate.
I'm so glad I found one,
A soulmate, playmate and bestmate rolled in one.
There were times when we felt irritated,
and "hated" each other,
Over petty quarrels and silly demands.
But I know they will not last,
For I love my baobao.
more than I ever loved anyone.
For I know she's the only one,
Who finds my BO sexy,
Who waltzes with me in comfort even without music,
Who hugs me with all her love and affection
And cares for me even though she can't exoress it very well.
I wanna love her all my life,
and protect her, console her, hug her, kiss her...
And give her the best I can
For ever and ever...
Love 4ever,
Your stupid Baobao
It looks so silly now but it used to be so sweet when I read it light years ago... Trust him to come up with something like that. He's really cheesy and big on cliches. But I guess that's what I liked about him. He's so unapologetic and unpretentious, albeit with cliches and all.
So and so was endearing to a fault and behaved like a kid with me. I guess we both lapsed into childlike behaviour around each other and that's the beauty of our relationship. There were no mind games unlike modern relationships and we were totally relaxed like we were with our parents. For I knew he accepted me wholly for who I was and vice versa.
I particularly loved the lack of mind games and that he shared my exact taste in music, books, movies and the arts. And my passion in dance.
He's like the male Claire, only with more ego and arrogance and more stubborn. And he's a total lovefool like me.
Fallen...
12 July 2005
This date spells the true end of the road of so and so and I. The doors are closed on us and the wind no longer blows.
I know I'm supposed to be over him, but I am still depressed. And to get over it, I shall let it out here.
Pre-!2th July 2005
3 Sundays ago, I met up with so and so after dance and we had such an awesome time in town and at the movies. He asked me out because that silly cow dumped him to go back to her ex. Why did I agree to meet him then?
I dunno. Puzzled by my weakness too. But perhaps I was just bored. After all, 2 of my closest dance pals just got attached and are living out their honeymoon period. But perhaps it was something more. I instinctly knew that we would have a good time cos I'm always happy with him. And that can never be too bad. So I went.
He seemed genuinely upset. But he said he wasn't mourning the loss of silly cow. He wasn't upset over her at all, but he regretted doing the things he did. That it was all a mistake and I was right right from the start.
I wasn't happy with his behaviour at all. From an outsider's point of view, he's been a real asshole. Lose a girl on one end and immediately hooking up with the next available girl on the other end. Such a punk!
Which was why I kept my distance. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Or have any expectations. I didn't want the relationship back. I guess I merely wanted to be a friend. Like we've been doing the past 7 months or so. I didn't know what I wanted.
The next Sunday we went out again and things were better. He hugged me and we updated each other on our lives. It was a though it was a fresh start again. I didn't know and wasn't sure because I still found aspects of his behaviour that I couldn't stand like making me wait and then using swear words on me when he wasn't happy. He kinda pressed me for answers and said he was really sorry. But I prefer to let nature take its course. I didn't want anything right now when I'm so busy.
One day he msged me saying that he knew I wasn't ready right now but I can take my time. He wanted to take things slow to start afresh.
3rd Sunday- I dressed up for a KTV session with him in Chinatown where we first sang KTV. And it felt so much like a real date--- all nostalgia and sweetness. (I meet him in my empowering dance wear most times and in dance wear I'm mostly stronger and more vocal... and more anal... not exactly date material)
We sang for hours and revisited our duets and watched endless hiphop dance videos and rapped along. And once while I sand he whispered "I love you" in my ears. And for a while I fooled myself into believing I wanted him back.
Monday after- Met him in the evening for dinner. There were some moments of conversation that I remembered because it's so painful now:
Quote, unquote "Benbao, I know I was wrong, can you take me back? I want to be with you again..."
"Benbao, looking back I think you're really very good. After all that's happened you can stil talk to me and be here. You're always here. "
And I answered that that's because I never choose to dwell on negative thoughts and I don't bear grudges. Life is too short for that.
"Benbao, I'm amazed. I'm just thinking what I would have done if I were in your shoes. Would I be so forgiving."
-------------------------------
"Benbao, after you graduate would you like to share a house with me? I'm going to rent an apartment. We can stay together and talk through the night... "
I didn't give him definitive answers but my resolve is buckling. I'm too soft with him. But how can you be hard on a loved one? No matter what they've done to you.
12th July 2005 is the Convocation day of my senior batch. And I was there to play the violin for them with a few other professors and graduates. He knew I was there and he even hovered near me after convocation and I 'graciously' went over to take photos with him and my other graduating seniors.
I was so radiant and happy, as though it were my own graduation. I guess it was the adrenaline rush from being on stage. Or that the happiness of my seniors rubbing off on me. I watched as their tassles were being adjusted and I could feel their moments of inimitable joy.
Maybe I shouldn't have stayed so long. Because that's when Jo came in. I was standing right near the door and she stared at me and I glanced and saw someone familiar. And I recognized her and in my mind, a world collapsed.
She went straight to him and acted friendly and all in front of his parents and sister. They held hands even though they broke up. And she adjusted his hood for him. Then they all left together. Probably for some pleasant family day out. I was with Ju and Sam but the sight made me boil. Totally. I've lost control and my mind has become this evil seething organism with a life of its own.
I learned that she didn't come herself, but he invited her. How? And Why?
Why did he say all those things to me when all the while he wanted her?
By inviting her it's obvious he wanted to share the happy day with her... then why bother going on those dates with me and asking me back?
I searched for answers but he so totally ignored all my calls and messages, which I fanatically sent. It was so deja vu. Like in Oct/Nov 2004 period. And in a fit of rage I msged the silly cow. And she revealed that he invited her. And that he said he was just seeking comfort in my company. And that she pitied me for still falling for it and being so soft after all that he's done to me. She pitied me for being so desperate.
Desperate? Man! She SO doesn't know my alter ego. Neither does my so and so. I date and dance like there's no tmr. And that thumper night with Ju, we dirty danced with models. Gettng dates is SO not big a deal. I just CHOOSE not to. Cos i'm seriously seriously sick...
Anyway, I was darn peeved the whole afternoon and it swerved towards depression in the evening. I just felt like hiding in a cubicle and cry it all out. But because of dance I didn't and couldn't. Dance was tough. And I felt so small and crushed that I didn't want to move at all. It was the exact same huge-lump-in-throat choking feeling that I had when he first broke the news of silly cow to me. For those few hours, the indomitable happy spirit that I've strived so hard to build up in the past 7 months just fell apart.
I declined going for a run at MacRitchie Wednesday morning citing depression. Even felt like taking leave from dance altogether for the next few days just to be alone. And type this out.
But the human mind is strong and happiness is now a choice of the mind.
To keep happy I just kept listening to hard-hitting hiphop tracks with F***ing this and F***ing that... and ran 4.5 km that night. (think I'm ready for the Terry Fox run now.... YAY!)
And when my mind wanders to so and so, I'll remind myself that there are a lot more causes in the world worth fighting for. Like women and children's rights, media liberalisation, true equality and stamping out human abuse and corruption. I think about this picture that my mom showed me.
It's a 4 yr old little Indian girl who's naked and lying on glass shards. Her fully-grown uncle stands on her body as part of an act to get money. And you could see the intense pain on her face. With such internal and external injuries, she wouldn't live long. And my depression is SO unfounded, for I have a future while millions in the world today have only death in sight.
Charmed life? Maybe. But if I could have my way, things wouldn't be like this. I hate it that I have no control over circumstances and I believe there are wrong steps we take in life that leads us in the opposite direction in life. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed behind till after the convocation. Maybe I shouldn't have msged the silly cow.
But whatever happened happened for a reason and I shall find out soon enough. I seek answers now... answers to why he avoided my calls to be with her after convocation, or why he even invited her... I seek resolutions, but none can be found. So I stop thinking and seeking. Maybe I'm not meant ot know or understand.
In the meantime, the Daryl whom I knew has perished. And to mourn his demise, here's a eulogy in remembrance of him and to the times that we had.
EULOGY OF CLAIRE AND DARYL'S TIME TOGETHER (to be read with Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter playing)
Anniversary: Oct 16th 2002
Fave Movie: Jeux D'enfants
Our song: La Vie En Rose
Fave holiday destination: Redang
First proper date/holding hands: Womad 2002 and Boat Quay thereafter
Song he sang to hold her hand: More Than Words
Special moments: Him strumming the guitar and her singing in their rooms in Uni days...
Him and her embracing and waltzing around the room to La Vie En Rose.
Him telling her she's the most beautiful girl he's laid eyes on
Him catching her when she almost fell and saying "I'll never let you go..."
1st hand-written Love Letter:
Dearest Claire,
As I watch usleep sweetly on your bad, a warm feeling engulfs me & I just want to tell u how much I love u and care 4 u... & how sorry I am in doubtin yr intentions to be with me.
I know everything is still so new & weird to u now... It is also a new weird experience 4 me becos it's kinda hard at times to have mutual understanding.
Nevertheless, what's most impt is that we have the common standing that We Wanna Be Together & we will be patient with each other ya? :)
It's really been nice together wif u thus far and I sincerely hope we can continue to weave more sweet memories together. Pls do not judge me unjustly becos of my past. I may have gfs and failed rs but all I san say is that I always tried my best and I'm sorry that things did not turn out well.
I do take rs seriously, mind u! I trest every rs as seriously as any other things and I hope that things can be "love forever".
I enter our rs with renewed faith and fervour, with someone that I can click with and whose qualities and talents I truely admire.... I feel really lucky that I am with u, Claire dearie... and I can assure u that I will take good care of u and always be there for u when you need me...
The path of true love never runs smooth; trials and tribulations strengthen the rs and I want you to always know one thing: I will always care for you! no matter what happens to us in the future...
The future may seem to hold unforseen dangers & fears but it also brings about joy as well as something for us to look forward to.
Precisely becos we do not know what the future holds, we must try to treasure every second now.
I don't ever want to live a life with regrets... and I know for sure that I will not, will never ever regret my decision to be together with you...
It wasn't an easy time for me, forgetting Pam and ignoring Jane... I hope u can be the light of my life that will give mne strength to walk down thios long road called life... and I hope to do the same 4 u too...
Let us walk down the path of Love and Life, supporting each other always...
Love 4ever,
Daryl
4/9/2002
*geez! It's so secondary school and SO full of cliches!*
Fave activities: Sing and Dance
Best V-day place: Singapore Zoo
Fave restaurant: Moon Fish @ Millenia
Fave arcade game: Bishi Bashi and DDR
Fave drinks: Iced milk tea @ Mos burger
Fave CD shop: That CD Shop @ Pacific Plaza
Fave Club: Zouk/Phuture
Fave KTV Duet: Shen Qing Xiang Yong
Special Significant songs: George Michael- Kissing a Fool
Lauren Wood- Fallen
Cardigans- Lovefool
Hotel Costes stuff
Pink Martini- Let's Never Stop Falling In Love
Hang On Little Tomato
Gardens of Samson and Beasly
Lisa Ono stuff
David Tao- Friends
Damien Rice- The Blower's Daughter/Amie
The list is non-exhaustive but that's all I can recall for now. And it pleases me to get it off my chest.
With this, I'm going to let all the memories go. For good. Its painful and this relapse is really bad. But I'll be fine eventually like how I was fine before. There'll always be dance, music and movies to keep my world alive.
But how do you get over the demise of a soulmate? Time will tell.... Time always tells.
This date spells the true end of the road of so and so and I. The doors are closed on us and the wind no longer blows.
I know I'm supposed to be over him, but I am still depressed. And to get over it, I shall let it out here.
Pre-!2th July 2005
3 Sundays ago, I met up with so and so after dance and we had such an awesome time in town and at the movies. He asked me out because that silly cow dumped him to go back to her ex. Why did I agree to meet him then?
I dunno. Puzzled by my weakness too. But perhaps I was just bored. After all, 2 of my closest dance pals just got attached and are living out their honeymoon period. But perhaps it was something more. I instinctly knew that we would have a good time cos I'm always happy with him. And that can never be too bad. So I went.
He seemed genuinely upset. But he said he wasn't mourning the loss of silly cow. He wasn't upset over her at all, but he regretted doing the things he did. That it was all a mistake and I was right right from the start.
I wasn't happy with his behaviour at all. From an outsider's point of view, he's been a real asshole. Lose a girl on one end and immediately hooking up with the next available girl on the other end. Such a punk!
Which was why I kept my distance. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Or have any expectations. I didn't want the relationship back. I guess I merely wanted to be a friend. Like we've been doing the past 7 months or so. I didn't know what I wanted.
The next Sunday we went out again and things were better. He hugged me and we updated each other on our lives. It was a though it was a fresh start again. I didn't know and wasn't sure because I still found aspects of his behaviour that I couldn't stand like making me wait and then using swear words on me when he wasn't happy. He kinda pressed me for answers and said he was really sorry. But I prefer to let nature take its course. I didn't want anything right now when I'm so busy.
One day he msged me saying that he knew I wasn't ready right now but I can take my time. He wanted to take things slow to start afresh.
3rd Sunday- I dressed up for a KTV session with him in Chinatown where we first sang KTV. And it felt so much like a real date--- all nostalgia and sweetness. (I meet him in my empowering dance wear most times and in dance wear I'm mostly stronger and more vocal... and more anal... not exactly date material)
We sang for hours and revisited our duets and watched endless hiphop dance videos and rapped along. And once while I sand he whispered "I love you" in my ears. And for a while I fooled myself into believing I wanted him back.
Monday after- Met him in the evening for dinner. There were some moments of conversation that I remembered because it's so painful now:
Quote, unquote "Benbao, I know I was wrong, can you take me back? I want to be with you again..."
"Benbao, looking back I think you're really very good. After all that's happened you can stil talk to me and be here. You're always here. "
And I answered that that's because I never choose to dwell on negative thoughts and I don't bear grudges. Life is too short for that.
"Benbao, I'm amazed. I'm just thinking what I would have done if I were in your shoes. Would I be so forgiving."
-------------------------------
"Benbao, after you graduate would you like to share a house with me? I'm going to rent an apartment. We can stay together and talk through the night... "
I didn't give him definitive answers but my resolve is buckling. I'm too soft with him. But how can you be hard on a loved one? No matter what they've done to you.
12th July 2005 is the Convocation day of my senior batch. And I was there to play the violin for them with a few other professors and graduates. He knew I was there and he even hovered near me after convocation and I 'graciously' went over to take photos with him and my other graduating seniors.
I was so radiant and happy, as though it were my own graduation. I guess it was the adrenaline rush from being on stage. Or that the happiness of my seniors rubbing off on me. I watched as their tassles were being adjusted and I could feel their moments of inimitable joy.
Maybe I shouldn't have stayed so long. Because that's when Jo came in. I was standing right near the door and she stared at me and I glanced and saw someone familiar. And I recognized her and in my mind, a world collapsed.
She went straight to him and acted friendly and all in front of his parents and sister. They held hands even though they broke up. And she adjusted his hood for him. Then they all left together. Probably for some pleasant family day out. I was with Ju and Sam but the sight made me boil. Totally. I've lost control and my mind has become this evil seething organism with a life of its own.
I learned that she didn't come herself, but he invited her. How? And Why?
Why did he say all those things to me when all the while he wanted her?
By inviting her it's obvious he wanted to share the happy day with her... then why bother going on those dates with me and asking me back?
I searched for answers but he so totally ignored all my calls and messages, which I fanatically sent. It was so deja vu. Like in Oct/Nov 2004 period. And in a fit of rage I msged the silly cow. And she revealed that he invited her. And that he said he was just seeking comfort in my company. And that she pitied me for still falling for it and being so soft after all that he's done to me. She pitied me for being so desperate.
Desperate? Man! She SO doesn't know my alter ego. Neither does my so and so. I date and dance like there's no tmr. And that thumper night with Ju, we dirty danced with models. Gettng dates is SO not big a deal. I just CHOOSE not to. Cos i'm seriously seriously sick...
Anyway, I was darn peeved the whole afternoon and it swerved towards depression in the evening. I just felt like hiding in a cubicle and cry it all out. But because of dance I didn't and couldn't. Dance was tough. And I felt so small and crushed that I didn't want to move at all. It was the exact same huge-lump-in-throat choking feeling that I had when he first broke the news of silly cow to me. For those few hours, the indomitable happy spirit that I've strived so hard to build up in the past 7 months just fell apart.
I declined going for a run at MacRitchie Wednesday morning citing depression. Even felt like taking leave from dance altogether for the next few days just to be alone. And type this out.
But the human mind is strong and happiness is now a choice of the mind.
To keep happy I just kept listening to hard-hitting hiphop tracks with F***ing this and F***ing that... and ran 4.5 km that night. (think I'm ready for the Terry Fox run now.... YAY!)
And when my mind wanders to so and so, I'll remind myself that there are a lot more causes in the world worth fighting for. Like women and children's rights, media liberalisation, true equality and stamping out human abuse and corruption. I think about this picture that my mom showed me.
It's a 4 yr old little Indian girl who's naked and lying on glass shards. Her fully-grown uncle stands on her body as part of an act to get money. And you could see the intense pain on her face. With such internal and external injuries, she wouldn't live long. And my depression is SO unfounded, for I have a future while millions in the world today have only death in sight.
Charmed life? Maybe. But if I could have my way, things wouldn't be like this. I hate it that I have no control over circumstances and I believe there are wrong steps we take in life that leads us in the opposite direction in life. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed behind till after the convocation. Maybe I shouldn't have msged the silly cow.
But whatever happened happened for a reason and I shall find out soon enough. I seek answers now... answers to why he avoided my calls to be with her after convocation, or why he even invited her... I seek resolutions, but none can be found. So I stop thinking and seeking. Maybe I'm not meant ot know or understand.
In the meantime, the Daryl whom I knew has perished. And to mourn his demise, here's a eulogy in remembrance of him and to the times that we had.
EULOGY OF CLAIRE AND DARYL'S TIME TOGETHER (to be read with Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter playing)
Anniversary: Oct 16th 2002
Fave Movie: Jeux D'enfants
Our song: La Vie En Rose
Fave holiday destination: Redang
First proper date/holding hands: Womad 2002 and Boat Quay thereafter
Song he sang to hold her hand: More Than Words
Special moments: Him strumming the guitar and her singing in their rooms in Uni days...
Him and her embracing and waltzing around the room to La Vie En Rose.
Him telling her she's the most beautiful girl he's laid eyes on
Him catching her when she almost fell and saying "I'll never let you go..."
1st hand-written Love Letter:
Dearest Claire,
As I watch usleep sweetly on your bad, a warm feeling engulfs me & I just want to tell u how much I love u and care 4 u... & how sorry I am in doubtin yr intentions to be with me.
I know everything is still so new & weird to u now... It is also a new weird experience 4 me becos it's kinda hard at times to have mutual understanding.
Nevertheless, what's most impt is that we have the common standing that We Wanna Be Together & we will be patient with each other ya? :)
It's really been nice together wif u thus far and I sincerely hope we can continue to weave more sweet memories together. Pls do not judge me unjustly becos of my past. I may have gfs and failed rs but all I san say is that I always tried my best and I'm sorry that things did not turn out well.
I do take rs seriously, mind u! I trest every rs as seriously as any other things and I hope that things can be "love forever".
I enter our rs with renewed faith and fervour, with someone that I can click with and whose qualities and talents I truely admire.... I feel really lucky that I am with u, Claire dearie... and I can assure u that I will take good care of u and always be there for u when you need me...
The path of true love never runs smooth; trials and tribulations strengthen the rs and I want you to always know one thing: I will always care for you! no matter what happens to us in the future...
The future may seem to hold unforseen dangers & fears but it also brings about joy as well as something for us to look forward to.
Precisely becos we do not know what the future holds, we must try to treasure every second now.
I don't ever want to live a life with regrets... and I know for sure that I will not, will never ever regret my decision to be together with you...
It wasn't an easy time for me, forgetting Pam and ignoring Jane... I hope u can be the light of my life that will give mne strength to walk down thios long road called life... and I hope to do the same 4 u too...
Let us walk down the path of Love and Life, supporting each other always...
Love 4ever,
Daryl
4/9/2002
*geez! It's so secondary school and SO full of cliches!*
Fave activities: Sing and Dance
Best V-day place: Singapore Zoo
Fave restaurant: Moon Fish @ Millenia
Fave arcade game: Bishi Bashi and DDR
Fave drinks: Iced milk tea @ Mos burger
Fave CD shop: That CD Shop @ Pacific Plaza
Fave Club: Zouk/Phuture
Fave KTV Duet: Shen Qing Xiang Yong
Special Significant songs: George Michael- Kissing a Fool
Lauren Wood- Fallen
Cardigans- Lovefool
Hotel Costes stuff
Pink Martini- Let's Never Stop Falling In Love
Hang On Little Tomato
Gardens of Samson and Beasly
Lisa Ono stuff
David Tao- Friends
Damien Rice- The Blower's Daughter/Amie
The list is non-exhaustive but that's all I can recall for now. And it pleases me to get it off my chest.
With this, I'm going to let all the memories go. For good. Its painful and this relapse is really bad. But I'll be fine eventually like how I was fine before. There'll always be dance, music and movies to keep my world alive.
But how do you get over the demise of a soulmate? Time will tell.... Time always tells.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
The Pink Session Has Landed!!!
Why??
Cos I'm darn miffed with so and so. So much so that I will NOT have anything to do with him ever again. That BL*RDY PIG!!!!!!
Long story reserved for a nice cosy coffe session at Pacific Coffee....
But here's what I did to deal with it. And I'm so proud of myself... For doing what I did.
I SHOPPED!!!!
Yesh! Retail therapy does it for us anyday, girls! I'd already blown a bomb on Birkies and Levis. But Mango looks really hard to resist too. Especially since I'm in my self-destructive mode....
So an hour plus trying on FABULOUS clothes and 100 plus down the drain later, I'm actually feeling better. And I bought this AMAZING bare-backed purple top that I wouldn't have bought under any other circumstances. It's Too daring and in your face... But heck!! How else to get more pink? It's my prerogative!
Then I mass-messaged like 20 plus girl pals for a hot pink night out on the town. Yes babes!!! We're going to paint the town pink AGAIN!!! Cos JUJU's back!!!! YAY! Soo... it's this thursday ok? And wear your shortest minis and bestest clothes! Get all the bees and make our so and sos puke blood! MUAHAHAHA....
CIAO!
Cos I'm darn miffed with so and so. So much so that I will NOT have anything to do with him ever again. That BL*RDY PIG!!!!!!
Long story reserved for a nice cosy coffe session at Pacific Coffee....
But here's what I did to deal with it. And I'm so proud of myself... For doing what I did.
I SHOPPED!!!!
Yesh! Retail therapy does it for us anyday, girls! I'd already blown a bomb on Birkies and Levis. But Mango looks really hard to resist too. Especially since I'm in my self-destructive mode....
So an hour plus trying on FABULOUS clothes and 100 plus down the drain later, I'm actually feeling better. And I bought this AMAZING bare-backed purple top that I wouldn't have bought under any other circumstances. It's Too daring and in your face... But heck!! How else to get more pink? It's my prerogative!
Home was good cos Mom brought me out to run and I ran and ran to run off the steam. COOL!!!
The mango peach yoghurt later was really therapeutic too...
CIAO!
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