Fallen...

12 July 2005

This date spells the true end of the road of so and so and I. The doors are closed on us and the wind no longer blows.

I know I'm supposed to be over him, but I am still depressed. And to get over it, I shall let it out here.

Pre-!2th July 2005
3 Sundays ago, I met up with so and so after dance and we had such an awesome time in town and at the movies. He asked me out because that silly cow dumped him to go back to her ex. Why did I agree to meet him then?

I dunno. Puzzled by my weakness too. But perhaps I was just bored. After all, 2 of my closest dance pals just got attached and are living out their honeymoon period. But perhaps it was something more. I instinctly knew that we would have a good time cos I'm always happy with him. And that can never be too bad. So I went.

He seemed genuinely upset. But he said he wasn't mourning the loss of silly cow. He wasn't upset over her at all, but he regretted doing the things he did. That it was all a mistake and I was right right from the start.

I wasn't happy with his behaviour at all. From an outsider's point of view, he's been a real asshole. Lose a girl on one end and immediately hooking up with the next available girl on the other end. Such a punk!

Which was why I kept my distance. I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Or have any expectations. I didn't want the relationship back. I guess I merely wanted to be a friend. Like we've been doing the past 7 months or so. I didn't know what I wanted.

The next Sunday we went out again and things were better. He hugged me and we updated each other on our lives. It was a though it was a fresh start again. I didn't know and wasn't sure because I still found aspects of his behaviour that I couldn't stand like making me wait and then using swear words on me when he wasn't happy. He kinda pressed me for answers and said he was really sorry. But I prefer to let nature take its course. I didn't want anything right now when I'm so busy.

One day he msged me saying that he knew I wasn't ready right now but I can take my time. He wanted to take things slow to start afresh.

3rd Sunday- I dressed up for a KTV session with him in Chinatown where we first sang KTV. And it felt so much like a real date--- all nostalgia and sweetness. (I meet him in my empowering dance wear most times and in dance wear I'm mostly stronger and more vocal... and more anal... not exactly date material)

We sang for hours and revisited our duets and watched endless hiphop dance videos and rapped along. And once while I sand he whispered "I love you" in my ears. And for a while I fooled myself into believing I wanted him back.

Monday after- Met him in the evening for dinner. There were some moments of conversation that I remembered because it's so painful now:

Quote, unquote "Benbao, I know I was wrong, can you take me back? I want to be with you again..."

"Benbao, looking back I think you're really very good. After all that's happened you can stil talk to me and be here. You're always here. "

And I answered that that's because I never choose to dwell on negative thoughts and I don't bear grudges. Life is too short for that.

"Benbao, I'm amazed. I'm just thinking what I would have done if I were in your shoes. Would I be so forgiving."
-------------------------------

"Benbao, after you graduate would you like to share a house with me? I'm going to rent an apartment. We can stay together and talk through the night... "

I didn't give him definitive answers but my resolve is buckling. I'm too soft with him. But how can you be hard on a loved one? No matter what they've done to you.

12th July 2005 is the Convocation day of my senior batch. And I was there to play the violin for them with a few other professors and graduates. He knew I was there and he even hovered near me after convocation and I 'graciously' went over to take photos with him and my other graduating seniors.

I was so radiant and happy, as though it were my own graduation. I guess it was the adrenaline rush from being on stage. Or that the happiness of my seniors rubbing off on me. I watched as their tassles were being adjusted and I could feel their moments of inimitable joy.

Maybe I shouldn't have stayed so long. Because that's when Jo came in. I was standing right near the door and she stared at me and I glanced and saw someone familiar. And I recognized her and in my mind, a world collapsed.

She went straight to him and acted friendly and all in front of his parents and sister. They held hands even though they broke up. And she adjusted his hood for him. Then they all left together. Probably for some pleasant family day out. I was with Ju and Sam but the sight made me boil. Totally. I've lost control and my mind has become this evil seething organism with a life of its own.

I learned that she didn't come herself, but he invited her. How? And Why?

Why did he say all those things to me when all the while he wanted her?

By inviting her it's obvious he wanted to share the happy day with her... then why bother going on those dates with me and asking me back?

I searched for answers but he so totally ignored all my calls and messages, which I fanatically sent. It was so deja vu. Like in Oct/Nov 2004 period. And in a fit of rage I msged the silly cow. And she revealed that he invited her. And that he said he was just seeking comfort in my company. And that she pitied me for still falling for it and being so soft after all that he's done to me. She pitied me for being so desperate.

Desperate? Man! She SO doesn't know my alter ego. Neither does my so and so. I date and dance like there's no tmr. And that thumper night with Ju, we dirty danced with models. Gettng dates is SO not big a deal. I just CHOOSE not to. Cos i'm seriously seriously sick...

Anyway, I was darn peeved the whole afternoon and it swerved towards depression in the evening. I just felt like hiding in a cubicle and cry it all out. But because of dance I didn't and couldn't. Dance was tough. And I felt so small and crushed that I didn't want to move at all. It was the exact same huge-lump-in-throat choking feeling that I had when he first broke the news of silly cow to me. For those few hours, the indomitable happy spirit that I've strived so hard to build up in the past 7 months just fell apart.

I declined going for a run at MacRitchie Wednesday morning citing depression. Even felt like taking leave from dance altogether for the next few days just to be alone. And type this out.

But the human mind is strong and happiness is now a choice of the mind.

To keep happy I just kept listening to hard-hitting hiphop tracks with F***ing this and F***ing that... and ran 4.5 km that night. (think I'm ready for the Terry Fox run now.... YAY!)

And when my mind wanders to so and so, I'll remind myself that there are a lot more causes in the world worth fighting for. Like women and children's rights, media liberalisation, true equality and stamping out human abuse and corruption. I think about this picture that my mom showed me.

It's a 4 yr old little Indian girl who's naked and lying on glass shards. Her fully-grown uncle stands on her body as part of an act to get money. And you could see the intense pain on her face. With such internal and external injuries, she wouldn't live long. And my depression is SO unfounded, for I have a future while millions in the world today have only death in sight.

Charmed life? Maybe. But if I could have my way, things wouldn't be like this. I hate it that I have no control over circumstances and I believe there are wrong steps we take in life that leads us in the opposite direction in life. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed behind till after the convocation. Maybe I shouldn't have msged the silly cow.

But whatever happened happened for a reason and I shall find out soon enough. I seek answers now... answers to why he avoided my calls to be with her after convocation, or why he even invited her... I seek resolutions, but none can be found. So I stop thinking and seeking. Maybe I'm not meant ot know or understand.

In the meantime, the Daryl whom I knew has perished. And to mourn his demise, here's a eulogy in remembrance of him and to the times that we had.

EULOGY OF CLAIRE AND DARYL'S TIME TOGETHER (to be read with Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter playing)

Anniversary: Oct 16th 2002

Fave Movie: Jeux D'enfants

Our song: La Vie En Rose

Fave holiday destination: Redang

First proper date/holding hands: Womad 2002 and Boat Quay thereafter

Song he sang to hold her hand: More Than Words

Special moments: Him strumming the guitar and her singing in their rooms in Uni days...
Him and her embracing and waltzing around the room to La Vie En Rose.
Him telling her she's the most beautiful girl he's laid eyes on
Him catching her when she almost fell and saying "I'll never let you go..."

1st hand-written Love Letter:
Dearest Claire,

As I watch usleep sweetly on your bad, a warm feeling engulfs me & I just want to tell u how much I love u and care 4 u... & how sorry I am in doubtin yr intentions to be with me.

I know everything is still so new & weird to u now... It is also a new weird experience 4 me becos it's kinda hard at times to have mutual understanding.

Nevertheless, what's most impt is that we have the common standing that We Wanna Be Together & we will be patient with each other ya? :)

It's really been nice together wif u thus far and I sincerely hope we can continue to weave more sweet memories together. Pls do not judge me unjustly becos of my past. I may have gfs and failed rs but all I san say is that I always tried my best and I'm sorry that things did not turn out well.

I do take rs seriously, mind u! I trest every rs as seriously as any other things and I hope that things can be "love forever".

I enter our rs with renewed faith and fervour, with someone that I can click with and whose qualities and talents I truely admire.... I feel really lucky that I am with u, Claire dearie... and I can assure u that I will take good care of u and always be there for u when you need me...

The path of true love never runs smooth; trials and tribulations strengthen the rs and I want you to always know one thing: I will always care for you! no matter what happens to us in the future...

The future may seem to hold unforseen dangers & fears but it also brings about joy as well as something for us to look forward to.

Precisely becos we do not know what the future holds, we must try to treasure every second now.

I don't ever want to live a life with regrets... and I know for sure that I will not, will never ever regret my decision to be together with you...

It wasn't an easy time for me, forgetting Pam and ignoring Jane... I hope u can be the light of my life that will give mne strength to walk down thios long road called life... and I hope to do the same 4 u too...

Let us walk down the path of Love and Life, supporting each other always...

Love 4ever,
Daryl
4/9/2002

*geez! It's so secondary school and SO full of cliches!*

Fave activities: Sing and Dance

Best V-day place: Singapore Zoo

Fave restaurant: Moon Fish @ Millenia

Fave arcade game: Bishi Bashi and DDR

Fave drinks: Iced milk tea @ Mos burger

Fave CD shop: That CD Shop @ Pacific Plaza

Fave Club: Zouk/Phuture

Fave KTV Duet: Shen Qing Xiang Yong

Special Significant songs: George Michael- Kissing a Fool
Lauren Wood- Fallen
Cardigans- Lovefool
Hotel Costes stuff
Pink Martini- Let's Never Stop Falling In Love
Hang On Little Tomato
Gardens of Samson and Beasly
Lisa Ono stuff
David Tao- Friends
Damien Rice- The Blower's Daughter/Amie

The list is non-exhaustive but that's all I can recall for now. And it pleases me to get it off my chest.

With this, I'm going to let all the memories go. For good. Its painful and this relapse is really bad. But I'll be fine eventually like how I was fine before. There'll always be dance, music and movies to keep my world alive.

But how do you get over the demise of a soulmate? Time will tell.... Time always tells.