I Wish....

Sometimes I wish so and so would just leave me alone.

I wished he was like Ju's so and so, with a heart of steel and immense resolve to not contact or meet her for as long as he could. Sometimes I just wished my so and so had done that.

And I believed that if he really loved me enough, he would have known that that was best for me and he wouldn't have given in to his own weaknesses and get me embroiled into his life again. He would have endured pains and suffered himself but still keep to his resolve not to ever see me again. But alas, he never really loved anybody but himself...

So it's always about him. When his side doesn't work out he runs to mine. Simple and convenient. And selfish. And weak.

But I had an epiphany today while walking home. Listened to Damien Rice's AMIE and I realised that if anybody asked me if I would still be willing to be there for him... I would say yes.

My mom asked 2 days ago, did I still want to be his doormat. His spare tyre. I completely denied it.

But looking back I think I should have said yes. I am still willing to be there. Don't ask me why. There is no why. That's why love is love.

Everyone says that affairs of the heart are complicated. They aren't. You either want to be with the person or you do not. And love simply turns people into irrational weak dimwits.

But I believe it's all part of being human. If everyone's so rational, we might as well be a race of walking computers.

But alas, once again... life doesn't deal us the choicest cards. And we have to play it out with what we have. What I have.... the life ahead ... doesn't include my so and so. Because he shut me out at one point and there's no turning back. Even if we wanted to.

And then I realised that I never had a choice. It was all or nothing??

Mr T said he was grateful to his so and so for she taught him that he could actually love again. I wish that would happen to me. What if I can't? That would be awfully awfully sad...

Reading the letter that G, the younger person, sent, I got touched all over again. There was a part where he mentioned that he wanted to be with Grace when she gets her first wrinkle.

I wish there were someone who would be there when I get my first wrinkle and that I could be there when that someone gets his first wrinkle.

And beautiful couples aren't the Bragelina kind... Because looks are ephemeral. Old couples holding hands and looking at each other lovingly are the true beautiful couples. They never fail to bring a poignant smile to everyone's faces.

I guess to stay together that long... they must be soulmates. And everyone looks at them lovingly because they're the lucky ones who find their true partners in life.

While I still believe in the soulmate concept, that there is one person out there who suits you perfectly, the theory needs to be refined.

So here goes: While there is a perfect person out there, not everybody finds their soulmates in their lifetime. Because I know people who did not. Lotsa them. Disheartening yes but it's the sorry truth. Next lifetime maybe?

I wish.... that I could go back to where I came from. And be safe, protected and ignorant from the ugliness of a relationship turned sour.