Day 6- Back to Square ONE

I started this blog from last Friday, 17 Dec 2004, when I finally messaged Daryl's new cow, ah Jo and thus, forced him to make a decision and thus, ending my relationship with him fully.

It's been 6 days now of not seeing him. But it felt like eternity. (Time passes so fast when I'm with him). Strange, but this eternity is actually healing me!

For the past few days it was ok. Got depressive the 1st day or 2 but as the days wore on, I was getting stronger and more at peace. I was so cool and did SO many things to forget that bastard. Dancing was cool, singing KTV was cool, class gatherings were cool, even the failed experiment showed I could have a life of my own without the bastard.

Girl Power was rapidly being recharged and I felt energetic and alive again.

But all the efforts came crashing down with ONE SINGLE ONE HOUR MEETING WITH HIM. And it wasn't even just the 2 of us. It was a meeting with the rest of the dance competition group for Impressario.

I didn't look at him much, preferring to look at the scenery outside, and addressing most of my comments to Amin.

I don't feel anything else for the bastard anymore. But what I saw about him made me feel repulse and hate again. He sounds so glib and responsible when he's just a selfish evil pig at heart. He cut his hair so his face looks bigger and more bloated. He obviously put on weight and his eyes were hooded. Reminds me of Droopy the detective dog from Cartoon Network. And that's not a pleasant sight for eyes.

I went shopping with him for business attire one day some time ago and we saw a G2000 shirt which I thought looked good. He was wearing it when we met and turns out that JO gave it to him. He didn't buy it himself. WHAT A GIGOLO!

And a repulsive one at that.

Then Jo called him and he said: "Dear ah? so what? WAH! You did it ah! hehehehe.... congrats! That calls for a celebration!... Ok loe. I'll go and look for you later."

Ok, so they were going to celebrate later! I was so HOPPING mad. I made 2 catty remarks in front of everyone else and after the meeting, I messaged his new cow again, telling her how could she be so foolish as to believe him. He has a history of straying and he's a cruel insensitive bastard and she'll have a lot to lose if she doesn't dump him now. She's 24 and if it ends at 26, she would have lost the prime of her life. I'm 21 so it doesn't matter.

Daryl got mad OBVIOUSLY. He used very harsh words on me and even wished me death. He couldn't take it that I had the upper hand and his ego was bruised. What a sore LOSER!

Then he tried the soft approach and pleaded to me to stop. I have already stopped by then but I said: "I shall do and say whatever I want to whomever I please. thank you. This is a free speech society."

You see, after all, he completely crushed my world and despite all my pleas he didn't even soften. So why should I? Moreoever I don't love him anymore. I found him a repulsive slimey creature and I wanted to hurt him. HURT HIM BAD! KILL THE BASTARD!

So I stood my ground and maintained that I will not soften.

That did him in. He started getting crazy saying he'll kill me and slap me when he sees me and that I'm the worst person he ever knew and I shouldn't even be on this Earth. YAH RIGHT! If I'm bad, he's tonnes worst.

I replied to him politely because the person who loses control is the weaker one and I AM SO MUCH STRONGER NOW. Simply cos I'm not vulnerable to love anymore.

BUT BUT BUT!!!

There is always a but.

Despite the party that was going on around me, my mind was a mess. I couldn't enjoy the party and then when I finally got onto a cab, I sobbed silently all the way home. It was the horrible sinking feeling that I felt when Daryl first broke the news to me.

BUT I was fine when I got home. I guess releasing your tears helps to release pent-up frustrations.

Dance is officially off now. Daryl thanks me for CRUSHING HIS WORLD.. haha... Another display of his selfish nature. So he's saying it's ok that he crushes girls' world but his world CANNOT be crushed? I don't regret what I did because it taught him a lesson. Taught him the feeling of love and loss. Taught him he's not as almighty as he thinks he is.

He now wants to have nothing to do with me. So the dance competition is off. Just as well cos I want to party in peace this festive season.

Talked to Sam and Bennie all night.

We discussed the how you can only love someone whom you look up to. And expectations will be there no matter what.

When 2 person are in love they will try their best to work things out no matter what. My situation was I was working but Daryl isn't. He's working on THE OTHER relationship of his. So it couldn't work out. So I forced him to make a choice. He can't cling on to 2 girls forever even if that was what he wanted. Asshole!

Sam:
but i think for u if you're able to look at reality and not get lost, its good... look back at good memories and though sad, you still can heave a sigh and say, oh well, too bad, i'll move on... i think that would be an indicator that u can survive it...

if u look back.. and feel pain and regret and still cannot move on, then it's more painful... but we always as human, choose the painful path, because we want to cling to the old happy memories...

Me:
no... i think as humans we tend to choose the easier less painful path even if it provides only temporary relief from pain that's why i continued seeing daryl after exams. I was weak... still harbouring hopes and clinging on to straws

he was weak too... couldn't let me go completely

Sam:
You learn a lot about life... like... what type of guy u like.. what characteristics u are attracted to..... your own shortcomings... and also that not to put all hope in a guy.. coz he is also human... he can disappoint u...

Me:
that sucks man. then wat's the point of having a BF is he can't be true? it's sad

Sam:
yeah the whole point is that both must be mature and ready to give love to each other... but most cases.. it's quite shallow.. like.. giving love, for the sake of receiving love.. not for the future but for the present.. just like... to fill up each other..

but now i believe both parties should be wholesome individuals first, before being together.. then only your own love is not like.. empty tank, but overflowing to be able to give ...

so the best solution is to really accept it and yeah.. and give urselves time to find other joys in life... love yourself first then you'll have love to give.

don't worry what's a failed relationship? ppl have to go through some of these to know what you can really give to the real final guy whom you will want to marry!

Me:
What is a failed relationship? people all over the world get dumped everyday... big deal! but i never imagined happening to me

Sam:
it feels like.. very "bu shuang" feeling right? i guess, it's either that or u're the one dumping the other... sigh..

Me:
ya.... hate to be the dumped one... but it's ok... i've accepted it... it's over and i can never turn back time or reverse what has happened. Even if there was a chance I don't think I will ever be back with him again cos what he has done is just too much.

Sam:
true.. well.. maybe u may lose a little idealism, but now u're smarter a little... so like one of my friend, she said she'll want to marry her bestest bestest guy friend... though.. sometimes... bestest guy friends might not have the "correct" look haha...

Me:
think relastionships with bestest guy friends are better for me than those that start off with a romantic undertone

Sam:
the romantic undertone is really ideal, but the guy must be a good guy with the correct characteristics, then good to go on... if not, beware..

Weird. Daryl and I started off as friends with a very slight romantic undertone. Foolish of me to launch into a relationship with him despite me knowing his history of straying.

Then again, he wrote me a letter once telling me not to judge him based on his history. PURE BULLSHIT! I bet he used this line on Jo to. A man who strays will continue straying. His eye will continue roving for as long as he can see.

SO.. Anyway... I'm back to square one again. Bitter and unhappy. But for all that harm and negative feelings he'd wrought on me in just one meeting, I am determined to NEVER meet the bastard again.

The End.

"Life doesn't end just because of the end of a love. Love doesn't end just because of the end of a life."